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End of the world.

Thoughts.

Posted on 2011.04.09 at 01:43
Current Mood: guiltyguilty

I don’t typically write serious entries but I really don’t have a choice.  I’m terribly depressed right now.  My love life is great, my life is fine, this is perfect nonsense to be bothering me so deeply but I can’t shake it.  I’m going to regret this in the morning.  I’m going to condescend the fact that I even put this up.  I can’t handle this.  Not working out, not exercising, not feeling that euphoria of being productive and meeting my own extremely high standards.  I feel impotent, I feel castrated.  I feel weak and worthless.  I feel  like a failure.  It’s the fucking flu.  Seriously?  I shouldn’t be so blasted upset.  I am –not- a depressed person—I’ve been very fortunate.  But this?  This is awful.  I can’t sleep, I can’t focus. I feel isolated and depressed.  Angela suggested I find something else to do.  But I can’t.  The headache is so bad I can’t read.  I can’t do simulations for a similar reason.  I’m mentally and physically unable to feel productive.  I feel like such a failure.

How many muscle fibers am I losing every second I sit here and do nothing?  How many imperfections am I accumulating by this blatant laziness.  My doctor said that if I work out I have serious risks of getting pneumonia (every asthmatics fear) and I need to be healthy blahblahblah. I spent last weekend taking a break—why am I so weak that a weekend can’t knock the flu out –with- medication..!  It just propagates this idea.  I want to do a thousand things right now but I can’t.

This sounds so ridiculous.  I apologize.  I want to feel good again.  I want to feel proud of myself.  I want to feel like I’ve done something worth my time that makes me a better, stronger, healthier, more in control person for it.  That’s it.  I feel out of control.  Some stranger tells me that I’m making myself so sick.  This awful feeling is my own fault?  God that’s a hard pill to swallow.  I want to explode.



Comments:


Princess Aurora
another_myself at 2011-04-12 03:42 (UTC) (Link)
Stop doing this to yourself.

I don't know why you beat yourself up like this, but you do it so frequently and you shouldn't. You have absolutely everything that a person could want - and you worked hard to get it. That makes it even better. You're human and you're not feeling your best - and it will be okay. Pick yourself up, lift your chin, and keep going on with it.

Don't quit. You're better than that.
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